When I was about ten, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling ill. Scrambling out of bed and ambling down the endless hallway to my parents’ room, I was sick mid-way on the carpet. My mother’s irritation over being roused for a middle-of-the-night clean up has remained with me to this day. She didn’t say anything but I knew. And sometimes I’ve thought: “How very unloving of her. I’m her offspring, for god’s sake!”
Now I have offspring of my own and I no longer think those thoughts about my ma. For those without kids this is a warning. For those with, you can stop smirking now, thanks.
1) It doesn’t matter if the child is your life’s love, the warm soft bundle bestowed upon you from above or nature’s blessing to behold: When he or she is sick in the queasy sense IT IS GROSS! No amount of love quells your nausea sorry to say.
2) You can be listening to the crescendo of the 1812 Overture at top volume on your AKG K 1000’s, watching the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan in your home IMAX screening room or relaxing in the sauna in the mansion’s outer outer wing but you will ALWAYS hear that sound a kid makes 2 seconds before he or she is going to be sick. You will bolt, sprint and dash to no avail. By the time you’ve heard it? Too late.
3) Regardless of rehearsels, subliminal messages arranged in alphabet soup and tape recordings played in sleep, a young’un can’t be taught to sprint to the toilet in 5 seconds or less. When the moment of truth arrives he or she WILL NOT MAKE IT NO MATTER WHAT. And that is truly truly unfortunate because for the uninitiated … well let’s cushion it: Remember The Exorcist? Yup. Heck, after one particularly active night there wasn’t an untouched bedsheet to be found at chez nous.
Sorry for the graphics. But for those who’ve been there you know that frustrating blend of ECH! mixed with Oh sweetie..
For those who haven’t, it’s really not THAT awful (wink wink, let’s rope another one in). But seriously: You reconcile yourself to the situation at hand and later feel remorse over begging a 4-year-old to please, please RUN! (who responded with: Get away from me!)
Oh well so much for fun and games. Gotta run. The sofa cushions should be dry by now.