Stefanella's Drive Thru

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Matthew the Bully July 24, 2009

In the car driving home from summer camp this week. . .  

Mom, there’s this kid at camp.  His name is Matthew.  And …well…last week my friend Kenny made a joke about Matthew and I laughed.

Now Matthew says that because I laughed I have to pay him two dollars.

Pay him two dollars or what?  What is Matthew **f**k** going to do? I muttered under my breath, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

What mom?  What did you say?

What did Matthew say would happen if you don’t pay him? I asked, all sweetness and light.

He’ll hit me.

He’ll hit who? I internally raged.  We’ll see who’s going to get hit.  Threatening MY BOY??  Uh uh.  No.

Sweetheart, I reassured, You don’t owe him anything and you didn’t do anything wrong.  Laughing isn’t a crime. What do you want me to do?

Could you talk to Matthew or to the camp counselor? he asked.

Sure doll.  And don’t worry about it.  It’ll be okay.

I later consulted with a level-headed male friend who confirmed that  since my son doesn’t live here or see Matthew on a regular basis i.e. he doesn’t present an ongoing threat, it would be best to bypass the bully – unless I want to add legal implications to my troubles – and consult with a camp counselor.

So I heeded his advice.  And so far, all is quiet on the Matthew Front.



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In the Doghouse December 15, 2008

Follow this link – it’s non-embed-able.  G’head. You won’t be sorry.

THANKS LAURA!

 

Assmosis February 25, 2008

I am reading a back-issue of GQ and came across the column “New Jargon for the GQ Man”
I’m not a man. Sue me. GQ’s a beautiful glossy mag with well written articles, upscale advertising, the latest in trends and cutting edge tips for the upper uppers.
Sue me again because I’m the back room at Loehmann’s on a good day. And the closest I’ll ever get to the country club set is if I happen to be hired to write a PR brochure or someone asks me to mind the kids poolside while Buffy and Bootsy go a round of tennis.

But a woman can dream.

Anyheeeewwww…This Jargon column had some entries I felt super compelled to share.

1) Assmosis – The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

2) Oh-No Second – That fraction of time in which you realise you’ve just made a big mistake (e.g. you’ve hit “reply to all”).

3) SITCOMS – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay at home with the kids or start a “home business”.

4) Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

5) Airplane Blonde – One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a “black box”.

6) Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles

7) 404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web message “404 error: File not Found”, meaning that the requested document could not be located

8) Johnny-No-Stars – A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a fast-food restaurant. The “no stars” comes from the badges displaying stars that staff wear to show their level of training.