My friend Jellyfish SMS’d the other day.
The Hotzaah La’Poel people were just here. They say I owe NIS 18,000 ($4500) in taxes. If I don’t pay within 48 hours, they say they’ll come back and cart me off to jail.
For the non-Holy Land Central (Israel) dwellers, Hotzaah La’Poel is the equivalent of the “Repo Man”. They take away your stuff should you fall behind in tax payments, alimony, child support, mortgage payments, etc. No”stuff” to seize? No problem. They’ll throw you, the person, in jail instead until a friend or family member pays up on your behalf.
Sh*t man! I SMS’d back. You must be freaking!
My accountant is checking it out. He messages back.
Very calm, I think. Wow. I’d be pretty darned frightened.
A few hours later, Jelly calls.
Guess what, he poses. I’m afraid to guess.
I went to the bank to ask for a loan just in case I really do owe the government the money. And I’m talking to the bank manager. And he says to me: I understand your predicament but why do you think you might need a loan?
To cover the tax debt, I tell him.
But why a loan? he asks me over and over again.
I’m like: He’s the bank manager. Is he that thick?
Then he swings the computer monitor around to face me. And I see my bank balance. I have five times the amount I thought I had in my savings account.
DUDE! What’s wrong with you? I ask.
How in the hell could you have that much $ in your account and not know about it. Would you PLEASE, for the love of God, invest it or something? Sheesh!
And he tells me it’s all because this morning, when he was on cup #4 of coffee, he thought he saw the Virgin Mary’s reflection in the toilet bowl. I told him it was too much caffeine. He insists it was an omen.
Damn. I either need to up my caffeine intake or start looking for omens. Damn.